The past 12 hours have been filled with emotional turmoil for me. My stepdad, whose home I moved from 8 years ago, gained custody of my brother. This guy doesn't pay his bills, which led to his losing a house and two vehicles. He told my brother and sister that it is my mom's fault that he lost the house and those vehicles. He continues to not pay his cell phone bill, which led to him shutting off my sister's cell phone. My brother has a job and gave him two months advance on the entire phone bill. He took my brother's money and used it for something else...essentially stealing. This isn't the first time he has stolen money from one of his children. He uses people, taking whatever he can. My grandma and I were discussing him (she brought it up) and then she said "Oh, well we need to stop dwelling on the past you need to forget about it."

I am so tired of being told to forget about my abuse. Yes, it has been 8 years. I have never been told that it wasn't my fault. My own mother, who went through the same shit, told me "Yes, he was cruel but most of the time you deserved it." This caused me to resent and hate her for many years because instead of leaving she kept us in that toxic environment. My grandparents tell me that dwelling on it is immature and that it needs to be forgotten. Needing to heal is not "dwelling." I did go to therapy for a year or so in high school but we never really talked about the past. I realized last night that I have not even begun the healing process.

I lost my childhood. I did not experience the childhood I feel I should have, and being told I need to just forget about it and let it go does not help matters. It makes me feel like I am wrong for even remembering things, for trying to talk about them. My grandpa said today "I realized I was immature when I was dwelling on the past then I decided to forget it." I told him that it doesn't work like that for some people. He said it could if I would give it a chance. If I talk about something he did to me, my grandma goes "Well he hurt your mother too." Can we stop focusing on someone else? I feel forgotten when this happens. That's like if I lost my leg and heard "Don't be sad this person over here lost both legs." I understand that person is also in pain, does this mean I should feel no grief just because someone else has experienced worse than I?

I don't know what to do with the feelings I have right now. I feel like because it has been so long, I should be over it by now...almost as though there is a statute of limitations on such things. He called me in July, asking if I ever forgave him. He never apologized. Actually, he told me he was only disciplining me and then after we left he joined Bikers Against Child Abuse. Because I am still afraid to tell him how I truly feel I chatted with him and told him I am not to the point of forgiveness. I wanted to tell him to rot in hell...but I couldn't. In high school, he would come to pick up my brother or sister and he would talk to me. I couldn't bring myself to do or say what I really wanted. Why? I feel like I am still afraid on some deep level. It's like I'm still scared that I'm going to get in trouble, even though I am an adult now.

I don't know what to do.

Today wasn't a bad day. I worked-and I hate this one customer who always comes in. He threw his jalapeno stuffed pretzel down on the counter, saying "It's like IIIICCCEEE!" So he grabs two different pretzels from THE SAME FUCKING BATCH bitching at me the whole time. I was flustered and went to put them back under the heat lamps because I didn't know what else to do (bad idea, i know) until i noticed he had taken a bite out of one and i threw it away and checked the other. He kept saying "I can't believe you were going to do that, blah blah blah" It wasn't close to cold or anything. You just want something to fucking complain about. Oh, and thanks for spilling your hot fucking coffee on my hand and not even saying anything. Next time you come in, I'm going to be as much a cunt as you are to me and I'll enjoy it.

Breighlyn is coming to my house tomorrow morning, we will have a good time. She's leaving Sunday night and I can't wait to see my mom. I miss her.

Greg and I are very happy. I think he's going to propose soon. Tonight he did the dishes, cleaned up some of the living room, and did some laundry. It was a pleasant surprise. He said next week he's taking me out to dinner and giving me my present-Amber knows and just smiles and says she's not telling. Bah. I'm not going to think about it too much, I don't want to ruin the surprise.


I love you.

Life hasn't been good to me this past week...I became friends with Greg's best friend, Brian, over the summer and he got a girlfriend the week before Christmas...one week after they started dating, she moved into his parents' house with her 4 year old and the kid was calling him "daddy." Needless to say, I thought he was a dumbass, but I supported him anyway, even though he kept talking about how they were in love and going to get their own place, etc. She always left weird comments on his cousin's myspace, including one of a picture of a tube of KY with "Because you're crap at foreplay" typed across it. She told Brian's sister (a good friend of mine) that she made out with his cousin on my front porch and the party I had the weekend before last. Brian's sister told their mom and other people and Brian lied to me and told me that Alyssa "admitted to everyone to having lied about the whole thing" and I checked with their mom and that was a lie. Now he's mad at me and he told me that I threw away his friendship. Before that, I only knew he was pissed at me because he deleted me off myspace without saying anything. In turn, I sent him this:

I threw it away? No, try you're throwing away your real fucking friends for your stupid fucking whore. Keep the fuckin bitch and lose your family and your friends. You ditched us from day fucking one and we supported you anyway. Fuck you, Brian. You're being such a little bitch about this shit, I did NOTHING to you. NOTHING. As I recall, I FUCKING CALLED AND APOLOGIZED TO HER. You're the one who lied TO ME. Alyssa never admitted she lied, kayte even told me that when i told her that you mentioned that when you came in. Fuck off. I'm fine with throwing away your friendship at this point because i lost all the respect I had for you a long time ago. I liked both of you until this shit started. If you wanted to convince me that Alyssa was lying, the way to do that wasn't to lie yourself. When you've lost everything, don't come crawling to anyone because all you have to blame is yourself.

He was such a good friend before he met that fucking whore. This isn't the first time his cousin fooled around with someone he had feelings for, I don't understand why he's denying this. He's pushed away everyone and it's really hard to watch someone you care about destroy everything they have over some pussy.

Work has been shit lately..why is it that when I ask for a promotion, I hear a "That's something we can definitely discuss once you have been with the company a bit longer" and then hear nothing whatsoever, but when someone who completely half asses their work, is incompetent, and has been with the company the same amount of time I have asks for a promotion, it is handed to them, despite the fact that every member of management knows that this person will not succeed? Why? Why do I get shit pay even though i stay an extra half hour every night because third shift can't get there on time? Why is it that people who don't show up to fucking work still have jobs and get raises while I have shit? Wawa can kiss my ass.

On the bright side, the only things in my life lately that have been good are my relationships with Greg and my friends. My friendships have grown stronger, with the exception of that fucker Brian. Greg and I were talking about when we would like to be married, and we were thinking of getting married within this year...we just feel ready. We've been together a year and a half, which I admit isn't a very long time, but we've been living together since May and it fits. We don't want kids right away at all, and we both plan on going back to school once we feel ready to do so. I have a feeling he is going to propose within the next few months, and I'm okay with that. When I think about it, he's a good man who holds down a job, cares about his family and friends, goes to work every day, and treats me very well. What more could I possibly ask for?

Life has been beautiful lately...Greg and I got our new kitten, Allie aka Azalea, on December 30th. I've been really busy taking care of her and making sure she adjusts well, which she has. The first day we had her she hid and I couldn't find her-then the second day we played with her new toys and she started purring and licking my fingers. At this point, she roams freely throughout the house and hasn't destroyed anything major-she did knock over my shitty walmart lamp, which I'm not too worried about. She's all black with these amazing golden eyes and she loves to be scratched. Greg and I have been doing well-he built me a new computer-it's not working yet because the motherboard isn't compatible with the processor like he thought it would be, so he ordered another the other night. Last night he revealed to me that he's deeply depressed and sometimes considers killing himself...I had no idea, and I got really scared. I'm still a little scared. I really want to help him, but I don't think I can. I was a douchebag and forgot that the other day was Lake's birthday...I worked, and had a lot of shit to do that day when I got home and I forgot until she texted me about it. I still feel bad.

I must use a Q-tip.

Here it is, the standard "Happy Thanksgiving" post. Greg and I are in Massachusetts with his mom until tomorrow, we're having a great time so far :)

The 4th was our anniversary-it was a good day. We didn't do much, just went out for lunch and hung out. It's hard for me to believe we've lasted this long. There were times I was unsure about things, but I'm ecstatic that I overcame that. We're very happy...I really want to marry him one day. I kinda think and am secretly hoping that maybe he'll ask me one of these days. Not like tomorrow or anything, but just sometime semi soon.

We moved into our new apartment on the 16th and it feels great to have our own place. We're still living around all the boxes and the second bedroom isn't unpacked at all, but hey-it's ours and we don't have to do shit if we don't want to. Sometime within maybe the next 6 months, I want a kitten. I adore dogs, but Greg is afraid of dogs and I don't want to get him to say yes to an animal he isn't really comfortable living with. He said maybe we can get a cat after we get used to living out on our own and paying bills, etc. We don't have the internet at our house at the moment and we're practically dying.

We're going to try to have a housewarming party sometime soon; gifts are appreciated but not expected, as we have a lot that we needed. I'm probably going to rip off Lake's idea and have an alcohol potluck.

I have lost touch with a lot of friends lately. Some I kinda did that on purpose with, because they didn't seem to really care too much about talking to me or keeping in touch. It pisses me off that when I text someone I rarely see to tell them I'm in town, they don't fucking respond and then have the nerve to later say "I miss you, we need to hang out more." Fuck off, seriously. I know I'm not too good about calling people when I'm in town, but that's normally because

1. I am never in town
2. When I am, I am visiting people who have already made plans with me, or seeing my family.


Honestly, if a friend calls me and wants to hang out, I am fine with coming to Hanover to see them. Anytime.


I need a haircut.

Today is a good day-it's our anniversary, hopefully we will do something fun! We're supposed to be moving into our new apartment in a week or two...we sign the lease tomorrow. Now I understand why my mom seems to be in a perpetually pissy mood. Worrying about money constantly is NOT fun, and that's all I have been worrying about since I found out that we were getting this place. I know we will be able to afford it, but still...I worry a lot. I don't like worrying. We went to WalMart and Kmart and got pots and pans and shit, that was cool. I love housewares a little more than the average girl should.

WHY, for the love of Christ, is every girl I know having a kid? Why? Does nobody understand what a condom is anymore? Birth control is not a foreign term, people. This 18 year old I know outright said she wants to keep her baby, she just doesn't want to raise it. Her 17 year old boyfriend is "forbidding" her to drink milk because "ZOMG what if the baby is lactose intolerrrannnnnnnttttt." Some days the girls of New Oxford make me want to shit my pants. I remember when this one nasty girl in my Marriage and Family Living class said "I haven't had sex in 2 years" and announced proudly 2 weeks later that she was pregnant with her second child. At the age of 18. I fear for their children...you douchebags can't even support yourselves, let alone a fucking kid. Seriously.


Ripping my hair out,

Steff

I'm sitting here, alone. Greg's at work, and I'm sitting in our room with my cold Earl Grey, alone. I don't have anyone here I really hang out with alone. I don't like it. Alyssa and Brian are cool, but Brian's been flaking out a lot lately and Mike only wants to hang out with Greg and I if we have weed. Basically, the only people I associate with are Greg's friends. I don't have any friends here who are just mine. It's upsetting...I mean, I have friends at work but that friendship seems to only prevail as long as we are inside Wawa's walls. Just once, I wish I could have a girl's night out.

I neglect my journal too much. The past week has been great...I now make 8.75 per hour at work, which is good. One of my managers told me that the GM is thinking about promoting me. I like the sound of that...however, it is also bittersweet. Not one day goes by where I don't think about going back to school. I now know that leaving Millersville was a mistake. I love living with Greg and being with him, but I should have stayed at school. I should have applied myself, done better...I was such a lazyass while I was there and now I really want to go back. I crave intellectual stimulation...the projects, essays, and assignments. I love taking tests and knowing that I got an A. Maybe I feel as though I am losing something. Inside my family, I was always known for my academic success above other things, and now I don't have that. Maybe I'm just fucked up. I have been thinking a lot about my appearance lately and the other day I looked in the mirror and saw an ugly person. That happens too often for my taste. I have some goals:

Lose Weight: I need to lose weight. Badly. Maybe I'll take some time out of every day to dance or even play Wii Boxing. Walk around a little.

Use Sunscreen Religiously: I fear premature aging.

Take Better Care of My Skin: Too many days go by where i don't wash my face either before or after bed. No wonder I have a semi zitty forehead.

I have been in a fairly musical mood lately. I looked over the County Chorus music I stole and I miss those two days. Rehearsing and singing with people more talented than I...it was amazing and one of the best experiences of my life. I love singing...I should do it more.

I really want to get married within the next couple years. I know Greg is thinking about it...he told me. Secretly, I really hope he asks me soon. I'm not ready to be married right now, but I think that I was made for serious relationships and nothing casual. I tried the casual thing once and it failed miserably...twas horrible.

Wow, I got paragraph-happy there. Mrs. Watson would be proud. I loved her.

I was wondering if I am just a joke? Sometimes I wonder. Why I waste my time with "friends" who don't bother trying to talk to me is fucking beyond me. The friend I posted about before is no longer having any trouble caring about other people, so this is not directed to her...not that she reads this, anyway. I deleted a shitload of people from my myspace and right after, I felt really happy about it. Why? When I would try to contact certain people to see how they were, they either wouldn't respond or would say "I'm okay I have to go" and then they would sign off. Bah. I'm going to vent and I don't care who sees.

Brittany - you only talk to me when you want me to do endless tarot readings where, in every one, you basically ask me if you and Jeff are going to get back together. I'm not going to do them for you anymore because everytime the cards tell you that he is not the person you should be with because he's an asshole and has shown that he does not care about you, you ignore it and continue asking if you are going to be together. ENOUGH. Listen to the advice of those around you for once and IM me if you care about someone other than Jeff or your kid. While I listen to you talk about them both, I wish you'd realize that I have a life too, you could at least ask about it. I love helping people, but geez...it's frustrating when I give you the best advice I can give and you blow it off.

Brian - I wish we talked more. You're one of my best guy friends...I gave you my number and we occasionally text. I think I might tell you that we need to talk more and hang out. The reason I'm not mad at you is because on the rare occasion we talk, you genuinely want to know how I am and vice versa. Thank you.

Those are the only two people I really had in mind. Some other people have been pissing me off lately, but it's relatively minor. One thing that really bothers me is the amount of people I know who are changing or have changed for their significant others. Some have changed almost everything about themselves and that's not right. Grow minds of your own, guys...you can be in love with someone without changing yourself to suit their wants and needs. Another thing-practice birth control, for fuck's sake. You're like 18 and 19 years old. I like how people when we were in high school talked about how stupid the pregnant girls were for not being on birth control, but when you tell me you're having a kid and that you went off the pill, it makes you look worse than they were. It seriously sometimes seems like a giant stomach is the newest accessory these days. I'd rather get one of those when I can actually HANDLE it, thanks.

I feel better now. The last paragraph wasn't really directed towards any one person.

Man, it is late. Why am I constantly up so late? Greg's asleep behind me. Wonder what he's dreaming about. Greg and I have decided to move back into the Hanover area once we have most of our debts paid and can afford to move away. The reason for this is that the cheapest apartments in the area are around 800 a month for one bedrooms. Yeah...total bullshit. Hanover's rent is so much less expensive, and I miss being around everyone I know. I hope that Greg actually wants to do this and isn't just saying that he does. I know he's never lived anywhere but here and he will be going significantly out of his comfort zone. I hope I can find a good job there...maybe I'll work at Pella. Sure, the work sucks, but the money is excellent. Lake and I have been talking a lot lately...I'm pretty much over feeling the way I was before. I need to start accepting my friends for who they are and that not everybody lives their life the way I live mine. I should be more openminded when it comes to certain things, and I am going to make an effort to try to be more accepting. In other areas of progress, I rarely think about Josh these days. When I do, I ask myself why I am wishing for a heroin addict and I remember that I am with a wonderful guy right now. Speaking of him, he's been annoying me a lot lately. I need to, again, be more accepting. He's a sweetheart...I remember he made me breakfast in bed the other day. It's little things like that that make me feel guilty for dreaming of Josh at night. I wish I could control my dreams. I'm wishing for the impossible here, I know. Work has been going well lately...there's an asshole guy there but sometimes he redeems himself. Most of the people there are awesome to work with and are really nice. Believe it or not, I actually really like my job. Scratch that, I love my job. I wish I didn't have to leave it when we move...

Well, Greg and I both got woken up at 5:45 just so his dad could bitch at him about how Greg owes him $300. His dad accused him of "overspending," when Greg hasn't bought so much as a stick of fucking chewing gum within the past 3 weeks and was crossing the line from being pissy into being downright dickish and condescending. Nobody talks to their kid like that...dude not even my mom has spoken to me like that within the last couple months. He was pissing and moaning because he found a McDonalds bag somewhere and automatically assumed that Greg bought it. I guess that I could never possibly pay for anything? Greg didn't tell him that I pay for it all, I understand why because then there would likely be more bitching. I love how his dad likes to brag to me about how he's going to ream him out for not cleaning or the money situation. Man, I'm so lucky I don't have a dad like that. The other day, he put up a note in the kitchen stating that now, everytime someone uses something in the kitchen, it has to be cleaned up before you eat and how if they don't take out the trash, he's going to put it on their cars because he's "sick and tired of cleaning up after people." My ass, you cock. He doesn't clean up after anyone because he lets it sit there until he finds them and makes them do it. He came upstairs to tell me about it and he started smiling and told me that it was directed towards Greg and John...like I'm supposed to be impressed by how hard he is on them about stupid shit. I also love how he expects Greg to just pull money out of his ass-he took a huge risk in even telling his dad about overdrawing his checking account and this shows that this bastard isn't even worth confiding in. I really have no respect for this guy at all anymore...the tone of voice that he uses in talking to his sons is that of scolding a dog for shitting on the floor. No wonder Greg has no self esteem.


I think I hate you. You don't deserve them.

I am numb. Lake just told me why Josh left me last year. It's not because of another girl or him losing feelings for me. It is because he is on heroin and didn't want to hurt me. I must admire his intentions and thank him for sparing me any more pain, but I wish I had known why. She told me in hopes I would feel better and I do and I don't all at once. I don't understand myself. I hate myself for loving him. I think I'll just try not to think of him. I got trashed and told Greg I didn't love him and I didn't mean that. I looked at him yesterday and today and realized that I do. I wish I could let go of Josh and give Greg everything I have to offer. Maybe someday I will be capable of that, because he deserves it. Josh doesn't deserve me and I know that now.

Well, I am now an official Wawa employee. I make $8.00 per hour, which I definitely love. I'm doing laundry at the moment and gradually cleaning up our bedroom at the same time. I have to clean up the bathroom and shit too...woohoo. Not really. I have my orientation tomorrow night and then I start my first day of actual work on Thursday. I ate pretty well yesterday and the day before, which makes me pretty happy. I ate a little bit above my calorie range, but it was just a little. I'm going to try to do better today...I'm also going to try to exercise too. Last night I kept thinking about Josh as I was trying to go to sleep and he just wouldn't get out of my mind. i can't help wondering sometimes whether or not he ever thinks of me or regrets what he did. Sometimes, yeah, I wish things hadn't turned out the way they did and other times I feel very thankful that they are the way they are. Maybe I should go back to counseling. I'm not sure...

Wawa hired me!!!! Yay!! After I was offered the job, Greg and I went to Hanover. Katie said that we couldn't hang out til later that evening..was a bit annoyed but oh well. We went with my brother and sister to the mall and then to Panera Bread. We hung around the house with Mom for a little bit and talked. Then, we went bowling with Katie, Jason, Chanda, and Brittany. It was fun...I forgot what a shitty bowler I am :D. Overall, it was a great day.

I love you

I had my interview yesterday...she told me that the GM would call me back. I guess she had to check with him first because she was a shift manager. I really hope they hire me. Today is Greg's birthday and I hope that it is a happy one for him. His dad is taking us all out for dinner and to be honest I'm not sure that I want to go. I feel weird around Greg's dad and brother...his brother never talks to me and his dad just talks about himself and is constantly on Greg's ass about stupid shit...it makes me uncomfortable at times. I wish I had money to at least give him a present; that's my own fault. I made him chocolate mint swirl brownies, so that was something. I texted a really good friend today to let her know I had my interview and how nervous I was and she texted me back almost a minute later to tell me that her "boyfriend" of a few days doesn't eat meat. It was a bit disappointing. She's been doing stuff that isn't very good...like a couple days after leaving a serious boyfriend, she slept with a longtiem crush on the first date. Now she left him for his cousin and she slept with his cousin on their first date. I love her, but she doesn't know these guys. A "true gentleman" doesn't sleep with a girl on their first date when they have actually liked each other for about a week. I don't know.



I love you

I feel like singing today. Yesterday, Greg and I went to see Katie and we all hung out for a bit with her friend Chanda. We watched one of my favorite movies of all time, The Black Cauldron. After that, we went to see my mom. I think I appreciate her so much more than I did when I was living at home. We just sat around and talked and I had a lot of fun. I love living with Greg, I really do...I just don't like living with his dad. I think his dad is a nice guy, but I don't like living with someone else's parents. Greg and I were talking about getting an apartment in Hanover or New Oxford with Katie when we can definitely afford it. I think I like it. In Phoenixville there is nothing but pizza shops and small, privately owned businesses. There are no good job opportunities...sorry to say, but Hanover has quite a few. I'm still not quite sure, but we're thinking about it. This has been a good weekend.

I never write in here. I should do so more. As an update, I finally moved in with Greg. Most of the time, it's great, but there are ups and downs like in every relationship. Their style of living is quite different from that of my own family, which is both kickass and annoying at the same time. I mean...I know my mom would never go for keeping the cats' litterbox in the kitchen. Ever. Mom would never just buy random shit at the grocery store that is only going to be used for dinners she would make. She gets stuff that everyone can use to make whatever they want. Not here. His dad's grocery store purchases consist of: diet soda, diet tea, lunchmeat, cheese, bread, barbecue sauce, and strawberries that he feels the need to cut up and put in a container-they get mushy that way and I kinda want to tell his dad to stop doing that. I also really want to teach him how to season meats when he cooks them. I'm trying to get used to his dad's cooking but it's really hard. Greg doesn't even like his dad's cooking, so I guess I'm not alone. I happen to prefer my grandma's, my mom's, my dad's, or my own. That's about it. That sounds really bad. I like living away from home and with Greg, I really do. I think that I just want us to be out on our own. I feel like I can't do what I want to here...I feel so weird around his dad and his brother. His brother never talks to me and his dad usually just talks about himself and doesn't ask me about myself at all. Every time we have ever talked, all he has done is sit and bitch about his ex wife and drill into my head how horrible she is and how they have termites and how it's going to cost him 3405830405 dollars to get rid of them. "Thanks for at least feigning interest in your son's girlfriend's life." Jesus. I feel like an asshole now. Great. I want an apartment where I can buy the food, I can decide how high up to turn the heat or AC, where I can decide whether or not the bedroom needs cleaned. Where the dishes don't have to be cleaned right after we eat. Where I can walk through the kitchen and not step in fuckin cat litter or look over while I'm eating dinner and realize that a cat's taking a shit a foot away from me. It really bothers the fuck out of me. Now that I'm done ranting, I'm going to go clean.

So today I turned 19. It was bittersweet...I know what the perfect present would be but I don't have it...not sure if I ever will but I hope so. I went to class, worked out, and ate with friends. All in all, a good day.

I just looked at my cell phone and it's 3 in the morning...and for some reason I am still awake. I'm not even tired yet. I think I'm still running on Seattle time. I've been thinking a lot, which is never good for me. I've realized that I am a total fucking asshole. My mom tries to be nice to me...I think. No matter her tone of voice when asking me a question, I snap back like the bitchy motherfucker I am. Why am I like this? I'm not like this with anyone else, just her. GAH!!! I think it's definitely a good idea that I'm going to college. I have to get away from Hanover. I know Josh and I are broken up, but I'm going to miss him a lot while I'm gone; and I know he will miss me. I think this is the reason why he left me...because I'm going away. I understand that. I hope to hell we work things out, I want that more than anything. I think he wants it too and is just scared. I would seriously sell my soul to have him back today, I care for him that much. It's crazy...it's a crazy, fucked up situation that is really hard to be in, but I have to take it. I don't think that I will be able to give up as long as we still love each other. At least he is willing enough to at least say maybe we can work things out. That's good...Love drives me crazy sometimes.

Meanwhile, I've been listening to a lot of 80's love songs lately...I am ashamed of myself.

It is sad, but I had to come home from Seattle...on the brighter side, I do get to go to college on Saturday, so it's a Win-Win thing. I am in an 80's mood today...what the hell is wrong with me?